So let's be real. When you were given the opportunity to stay at home with your child, the thought of staying home and binge watching Vampire Diaries didn't sound too shabby. Eating a tub of ice cream and blaming it on your newly cut and sowed baby body was a legitimate excuse. No one told you the long days and nights. The long mornings. The feeling of being needed at all times even when you need two minutes to go to the bathroom, where's baby? On your lap. Now don't get me wrong here, I love my baby more than Peter Griffin loves beer. But MAN, I never realized that I signed up for a full time, 24/7, no paying, unesimated job.
The money part is the WORST. I know, I know, some women don't have a man to pay the bills. Some stay at home moms work from home. Yadda yadda. But in reality, it's not as easy to roll across a job like that and it seems near to impossible to do anything besides nurse my child and attempt to keep my house clean in the making. Today I took Antonio and my sister to the mall because as everyone knows, i LOVE sales and VS is having their semi annual sale as we speak. When I was pregnant, I bought countless bras. Didn't occur to me that my boobs would change DRASTICALLY. So yes, I went to the mall with the VS credit card and bought around $60.00 worth of bras. Remember, these are a bi-yearly chance at deals. So I come home, show my husband ( not much of a reaction as I see him count dollar signs more than praise me for being so thrifty). Tonight was mom's night out in my new MOPS ( mother of preschoolers ) group. I have yet to meet them in the three months I've been in Washington state (35k miles away form home). It just so happened that they're getting mani pedis tonight. Welp, that idea was shut down as soon as I opened my mouth about it. I get it, remember how much you're spending nicole. Well, technically I only spent NOTHING today. After tip-toeing around admitting I bought myself something I needed today. I thought, maybe today is different. Maybe today I'll hear " you deserve it babe, get red. I love red, go have some fun. I got tonio." Nope.
SO my point being, I wish sometimes I wasn't a SAHM. I wish sometimes that I didn't have to rely on a man's money to treat myself to something I know I deserve. I wish sometimes that I had my own income and was able to get my toes done because my feet look like one of a bums. And my eye brows look like I might as well mow them with a lawn mower. And my nails may or may not need a fill so bad, that it looks like a blind person glued on press on nails far from where they should be. I wish I had enough money to buy a full outfit for myself. Maybe go out to eat without thinking " he's going to see this on our banking app". I wish I could provide for myself like I used to be able to.
Like I say so many times, I LOVE my boy. And I rather not treat myself if that means I could spend every waking moment with him. Because at the end of the day, even though I don't get a pat o
n my back every day, a back massage without asking, a planned dinner, a date, a mani pedi with the girls, a dozen flowers waiting for me after a long day of work ( and yes I without a doubt, mean work).. I wouldn't trade this life for any other as long as my boy is up against me when I lay my head on my pillow at 11pm every night.
Being a stay at home means you will barely notice yourself in the mirror sometimes. It means you won't have enough money to pamper yourself like you wish someone would do for you. It means even if you had $10.00 in your pocket, you're going to treat your kid to a new toy before you think of spending it on yourself. Being a stay at home mom means that you would give it all up to see your baby grow. No matter the challenges. I struggle with this job every day. It's okay to wish. It's okay to want more. I wish more people gave us what we wanted to hear and the pampered things in life. But for now, as I'm hiding in the bathtub with pruning feet, listening to tonio cry as Alex has no idea which way to rock him, as I found 30 min of my day to write what I have been dying to get out,
This is motherhood. Unplugged. Unsensored. The "whether-you-like-it-or-not" truth of being a SAHM.
